My hubby is not interested in sex, but I’ve just met a man who is…

The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions…

QUESTION: My husband and I have an almost non-existent sex life; we’re lucky if we make love once a year. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he just says he doesn’t have a very high libido, and he doesn’t want to discuss it with anyone.

Three weeks ago, an attractive younger man in my office asked me out for a drink after work. We went to the pub and, in short, he said he wanted to have a ‘no-strings’ affair with me.

The truth is I can’t see many reasons not to, although I worry about my two teenage children finding out.
Man and woman chatting in office

Rowan: It must be flattering that someone young and attractive desires you… But I worry about anyone who leaps in with offers of ‘no-strings’ affairs

ROWAN SAYS:

This is a sad but familiar tale. Probably the most frequent problem cited by couples in long-term relationships is that of incompatible libidos.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having sex once a year, once a decade, or not at all, if both lovers are happy with that. But if one side of the partnership feels desirous on a far more regular basis and is constantly rebuffed, they will come to feel rejected and angry (while their less libidinous partner will likely feel put upon and accused).

All that frustration works up an ugly head of steam, which can, as we know, blow the lid off the saucepan. You’re clearly at boiling point, but this is not the moment to act precipitously. So much is at stake here: your marriage, your children’s happiness, your own peace of mind.

You may feel that you’ve raised the topic of your faltering sex life frequently enough with your husband and that he must darn well take the consequences. But it’s amazing how ostrich-like men can be about important emotional issues.

You need to spell out in black and white the ultimate consequences of his lack of ardour. Tell him that you feel desperate; spell out the fact that his behaviour will drive you into having a love affair.

I love my husband, but I have no desire for him any more

The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions…

QUESTION: I have been married for six years and I have two small children aged five and two. We look like a happy family from the outside, but the truth is I haven’t had sex with my husband since our second child was born.

Most nights my husband ends up sleeping with the older child, while I sleep in our big bed with the younger one.

My husband keeps begging me to resume our sex life. The problem is that although I love him, I have no desire for him any more – I haven’t really since our eldest was born – and find his constant requests for sex an imposition.

‘I’ve always wanted to make love outdoors, but my boyfriend doesn’t want to know’

The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions…

QUESTION: I’m a bit of a nature girl and have always liked the idea of making love outdoors, in a forest or field, but my boyfriend is quite inhibited and always behaved like I’ve suggested we have sex in the shop window of John Lewis when I suggest the idea. How can I bring him round?…….

‘I’m happy to have sex on a first date. Is that why none of my relationships ever last?’

The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions…

QUESTION: I’ve never seen the problem with having sex on a first date. Surely in these post-feminist days women can follow their own honest desires. But my best friend says that’s why I can’t make a relationship last. Do you think there’s any real benefit in playing by ‘the rules’ and holding off?

ROWAN SAYS: Let’s get one thing straight here: of course I don’t think the fact someone has had sex on a first date axiomatically means they are a romantic disaster zone………

Why women go off sex: What happened when 100 couples kept a candid diary about their bedroom antics

Is it hormones, husbands who’ve got tubby – or just boredom? To help find out, 100 couples kept a brutally honest sex diary for a year.The results surprised even this usually unshockable expert…

After 12 years of writing about sex, I felt pretty confident that nothing could surprise me. I thought I knew it all. I’ve been agony aunt for Company Magazine for many years. I’m one of Scarlet Magazine’s ‘Pleasure Aunts’ (not as questionable as it sounds) and have written countless features and five books on the ins and outs of making love.

I even had a radio phone-in show, where the producer and I regularly had hissed, frantic exchanges over what the next caller might be about to reveal and whether it could potentially shut down the station.

I’ve had sackfuls of letters detailing every kind of female sexual worry, demand, hope and confusion……

I’m sick of my caring, sharing lover and his endless foreplay

The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions…

QUESTION: My boyfriend is a perfect ‘new man’, raised by a feminist mother. He’s a really attentive lover, who always devotes hours to foreplay and my orgasm. I know I’m going to sound really maddening, but the trouble is that he’s just too caring and sharing. Sometimes I just fancy a good, old-fashioned quickie or a bit of caveman-style sex, where it’s not all about his grade-A sex technique. What should I do?

I’ve slept with 40 men, but should I admit it to my boyfriend?

QUESTION: I’ve been with my boyfriend for six months, we’re both 34 and I am fairly sure he’s The One. The other night we ended up having a conversation about how many lovers we’d had. He told me he had slept with eight women and suddenly I felt nervous about confessing the truth – I had a lot of flings at university and in my first job at an ad agency, so my tally is closer to 40. But I found myself saying ten and even then he looked horrified. I hate being untruthful with him, but don’t want to be judged either. What should I do?

ANSWER: I have to say that if this man is so censorious and delicate that he crumples when faced with a 34-year-old unmarried career woman who confesses to ten lovers, then he’d better take the Tardis back to 1900.

When even the leader of one of Britain’s major political parties, Nick ‘Clegg-over’, can coyly admit to ‘no more than 30 lovers’ in GQ magazine (and he has been with his wife, Miriam, some years now, so one presumes the majority of those conquests happened, like yours, at university), surely the rest of us can admit to some youthful indiscretions….

‘Help! My boyfriend wants to film us having sex…’

The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions…

QUESTION: I have been with my boyfriend for nearly seven years. I love and trust him, but we have one squabble in the bedroom: he wants to film us having sex. He promises he’ll give the only copy to me. But I feel pretty uncomfortable about it. He says it will be incredibly erotic and that I should loosen up.

I’ve found out my girlfriend’s been faking orgasms for the past six years

The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions…

QUESTION: I’ve just discovered that my partner of six years has been faking orgasms throughout our relationship.