For some women it does and for some it doesn’t. Some find intercourse painful, frustrating, or boring. If you feel this way, you’re not alone. When a young woman first starts having intercourse, it’s not always what she expects.

Why does sex not feel good?

When a couple is kissing and touching, if the woman is excited, her vagina gets wet and slippery. The woman’s vagina has to be wet for the man’s penis to slide in easily. Otherwise, intercourse could be uncomfortable for both of them. When a woman feels nervous, guilty or afraid, her vagina might not lubricate or her vagina might tighten up. This can make intercourse difficult or even impossible.

Maybe you’re not enjoying sex because you’re worried about:

  • Someone walking in on you
  • Getting pregnant
  • Getting HIV/AIDS
  • Getting a sexually transmitted infection
  • What your family or friends would think
  • Being a good sex partner
  • Other family, job, personal stresses
  • You don’t really feel “turned on”
  • It’s over too fast
  • It hurts
  • You are upset because of past physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
  • You and your partner don’t really know what to do
  • You tried it once and “it didn’t work”
  • You’re being pushed into it
  • The relationship isn’t what you hoped it would be

Or maybe:

  • You have an infection
  • You don’t like the way your body looks
  • You’re confused about how your body is supposed to work
  • You can’t talk about sex with your partner
  • You’re not sure about your sexual orientation (e.g., if you are heterosexual, lesbian or bisexual)
  • You don’t really want to have sex with this person
  • You feel guilty because of a sex – negative upbringing

How can I make sex feel more enjoyable?

The largest organ in the human body is the skin! Touching all over can feel wonderful. It can be pleasurable to touch and to be touched. The lips and tongue are very sensitive. Using the mouth all over the body can be sensual and exciting and make sex feel more enjoyable.

The clitoris has an important role in orgasm and is the most sensitive part of a woman’s genitals. It is the small bump at the top of the vulva. Some women have orgasm more easily and enjoy intercourse more when the clitoris is touched before or while the penis is inside the vagina. . Many women like gentle stroking on the clitoris or around it, but others prefer more pressure.

And of course, a woman can learn to come to orgasm by herself through masturbation (self pleasuring). Then, she may be able to tell her partner what feels good. Fantasizing can also help a woman come to orgasm. Many women enjoy the closeness of intercourse without having orgasm. Many women enjoy other ways of lovemaking other than intercourse or penetration.

Other ways to make sex more enjoyable:

  • Spend time getting to know your body on your own e.g., look at your genitals in a mirror; touch your body all over. Stroking, rubbing, light caresses and passionate holding all play a part in lovemaking.
  • Try to talk more with your partner about: the things that worry or bother you; what feels good and what doesn’t; some things you want to change. A counsellor can talk with you about your feelings, your body and your relationship.
  • Feeling safe from disease and unwanted pregnancy will help you enjoy sex more. Use a good method of birth control and always use latex condoms every time you have sex to protect against sexually transmitted infections (including HIV).
  • Using a water-based lubricant like Lubafax, K-Y Jelly or Astroglide can help make the vagina more slippery during intercourse.
  • Find other ways to give and receive pleasure e.g., massage, masturbation, oral sex.
  • If you have had a confusing or forced sexual experience in the past, counselling is available and can help a lot.
  • If you are confused about your sexual orientation there are lots of supports available

But sex is more than just intercourse!!

Sex is a way of saying something to another person. When you talk to someone, you often speak by moving more than just your lips. You speak with your eyes, your laugh, your hands… your whole body.

Making love with another person can be like that; using your whole body to explore your partner’s. Enjoying lovemaking also means taking the time to communicate – saying how you feel, what you want (and don’t want) and what feels good. When you and your partner learn to talk about and enjoy each other’s whole bodies, not just your genitals, you will both be better lovers.