Sex always looks mind-blowing in the movies, but does it really matter if your bedroom reality is totally different?

If, like many people, you got most of your sex education from porn sites or the cinema, you might be wondering why your real love life doesn’t match up.

But don’t start feeling bitterly disappointed, or tell your partner that they’re rubbish because they don’t know how to ‘do it’ properly. To put it bluntly, you might be having a problem telling the difference between red light and real life.

Porn v reality

Let’s start with the storylines for fictional sex. Porn movies are happy to show you horny housewives dragging any old plumber, milkman or pizza delivery boy straight in off the doorstep for a mind-blowing shag. In everyday life, women just don’t do stuff like that, in case the complete stranger is some dangerous psycho or (more likely) plug-ugly, pimply, and inexperienced.

Bodies are another thing. Your average male has a lardy catering-pack rather than a six-pack on his belly, and doesn’t tend to be covered in fake tan and baby oil when he whips his kit off. Real women tend to be OK about this. And as for those fourteen inch erections, let me whisper this, some of them are fakes so don’t worry too much guys. Oh, and a woman’s nipples are not supposed to point directly upwards at the ceiling like missiles if she’s lying on her back. Naturally curvy females have cellulite too, and it isn’t some rare disease.

Cinema sex is always so nicely choreographed. Never any embarrassing fumbling, tripping over half-removed knickers, squelching noises, knobs slipping out unexpectedly, fits of giggles, or fanny farts. Or people saying: “Oops! Sorry!” or: “Up a bit, left a bit”. The script just goes off into this ‘perfect’ sequence, with telepathic partners who both know exactly what to do, and when to do it. In reality, if you don’t communicate, your love life tends to go down the pan very fast.

Pass the sick-bucket

Safer sex? Even asking if she’s on the pill? Nope, they just get straight down to getting jiggy. Mr Porn Star can bang away for hours at a time, and Ms Porn Star reaches a climax after zero foreplay and a mere sixty seconds of pushing and shoving, and she screams a lot. Not bad for two people who only met for the first time five minutes earlier.

Romantic movies are even worse, and always seem to show the beautiful couple having simultaneous orgasms, gazing tenderly into each other’s eyes. Aaah, how sweet. Pass the bucket. When it comes to love and sex this situation is as rare as rocking horse poo, but who hasn’t worried about their timing being less than perfect?

So don’t worry if the fact doesn’t match up to the glossy fantasy. Relax, write your own script.