The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions…
QUESTION: I have been with my boyfriend for nearly seven years. I love and trust him, but we have one squabble in the bedroom: he wants to film us having sex. He promises he’ll give the only copy to me. But I feel pretty uncomfortable about it. He says it will be incredibly erotic and that I should loosen up.
ANSWER: I have two cautionary words for you: Paris Hilton. You can bet your bottom dollar that Hilton’s former boyfriend Rick Salomon reassured her there would only be one copy of their sex video and no one else would ever see it.
Umpteen million internet viewings later, there’s lamentably few people on the planet who don’t know Ms Hilton will happily carry on a mobile phone conversation mid-coitus.
As Hilton herself reflected recently: ‘It’s a big learning lesson, because I think a lot of girls, when they’re in a relationship, they will love someone and trust them and maybe let them do that – and you never know what they could do with it.’
Ho hum, I think we know exactly what they could do.
Abi Titmuss lost her job on the Richard And Judy show when a hardcore recording involving the TV presenter surfaced.
And last year’s X Factor winner, Alexandra Burke, faced the devastating news that her ex-boyfriend was trying to hawk a film of her having sex. True, when you’re not a celeb the chances of global humiliation are scant, but most us would find it mortifying if even one stranger viewed our most intimate trysts.
You don’t have to be famous for an ex to post intimate footage of you online. I’ve even stumbled across a website where jilted men are encouraged to place pornographic footage of the lovers who spurned them.
Of course, only a handful of men are that rat-like and unscrupulous. But even the nicer kind can prove careless. A friend of mine allowed her generally dependable 40-something lawyer boyfriend to film them both having wild sex.
He gave her the ‘only’ copy. However, he omitted to say he had the rough cut on his hard drive. Three years later he said in amusement: ‘Look what I’ve just found!’, and showed her the original footage. Her first horrified thought was that the computer had crashed twice in the intervening time and been sent away to engineers.
‘Just imagine how many techies have seen me having sex!’, she wailed to me. ‘How do I know that one of them hasn’t posted it on the web?’
An even greater hazard is spur-of-the-moment erotic footage on mobile phones – probably the most common form of home-porn nowadays. A writer friend and her husband took some naughty footage in a hotel and hours later the phone was stolen.
The trouble with intimate films is that they’re like diaries: both are always supposed to be deadly secret, but the very act of putting down words anticipates a reader, just as film footage anticipates an audience. The evidence may be found years after the event.
A 20-something acquaintance recently told of her mate’s terrible shock at putting a tape into the video machine and finding steamy footage of his churchgoing parents at a swingers’ party.
Right, that’s quite enough cautionary tales. Fear of exposure isn’t your only consideration in this matter. It is clear you simply don’t share your boyfriend’s erotic fantasy about making a sex film, which is understandable and reasonable. Many people feel uncomfortable having their photo taken or being watched while they undress, let alone exposing their most intimate anatomy to the camera lens.
Your boyfriend’s comment that you should ‘loosen up’ appears to be a mutt-headed attempt to persuade you that the great majority of women harbour panting ambitions to be amateur porn stars. But most of us are quite happy to keep our sexual expertise a secret between ourselves, our lover and the bedroom ceiling.
I don’t necessarily place all the blame squarely on your man – men’s magazines have been propagating this kind of nonsense for years; but it’s a great mistake to think of Jordan’s or Pamela Anderson‘s behaviour as normal. It goes without saying that the making of any erotic film should be an entirely consensual activity and it sounds as if you’re being emotionally blackmailed.
But the truth is your qualms are entirely judicious; if your partner truly loves you he won’t implore you to put yourself in any situation where you feel inhibited, unhappy or vulnerable. You need to put this point to him.
You could also perhaps consider offering a compromise, such as bringing several full-length mirrors into the bedroom – placed strategically they can provide a cinematic dimension to sex and would allow you to explore how comfortable you feel about your lovemaking being on display. If this does embolden you to make a film, I have just one piece of advice – keep the darn thing in a bank vaul.