Tag Archive: orgasm

The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions…

Couple in bedroomBetrayed: My girlfriend has never climaxed during our six year relationship (picture posed by models)

QUESTION: I’ve just discovered that my partner of six years has been faking orgasms throughout our relationship.

I’m in shock that she could have lied to me for this long. She says she has experienced a climax only once, during sex with one of her former boyfriends, and can’t explain why that was, but she insists she enjoys having sex with me.

However, I feel devastated and am not sure I can carry on seeing her.

ANSWER: I understand why you feel shocked and hurt. The natural first reaction is to feel as if your love life has been a charade.

Modern romance has become distressingly target-orientated, with great emphasis in magazines and the media about how to achieve an orgasm, multiple orgasms or even the nearmythical ‘continuous orgasm’ (no, I’ve never had one nor have I met anyone who has).

TV dramas and films perpetuate the ludicrous notion that couples find it easy to climax together in photogenic, breathy ecstasy.

The inevitable result of all this talk of ‘red hot sex’ is that many people beat themselves up about falling short of orgasmic perfection.

You clearly felt that part of your role as a lover was to deliver a plentiful supply of orgasms to your girlfriend and she clearly felt under equal pressure to achieve them- or why would she fake it for so long?

What you see as lies, she probably viewed as vital measures to reassure you as a lover.

If you can stop focusing on your wounded feelings, you will realise that clearly she has long been terrified about revealing what she sees as a fatal sexual flaw.

I would bet my bottom dollar she was scared you would ditch her if she revealed her secret and now the cat’s out of the bag you are threatening to do exactly that. Please don’t!

In other words, you may be feeling vulnerable and inadequate, but is it a patch on what she’s felt for six years?

Surely she’s the most exposed person in this scenario. She has no complaint with you as a lover and says she’s always enjoyed the sex you have together.

If it were a matter of tactfully suggesting you change your technique, clearly she would have told you what buttons to push.

You’ve both enjoyed your physical and emotional connection enough to last six years together, which is an endorsement of your mutual attraction and understanding.

It would be ridiculous if you thought all that was invalidated because your girlfriend hasn’t experienced an orgasm.

After all, most of the women I know cite kissing and foreplay as the most erotic aspect of lovemaking.

The truth is the female orgasm tends to be far more elusive and complex than the male variety.

I watched a TV documentary on this subject a few years ago that featured a woman who could orgasm at will, just by thinking sexy thoughts, and another who’d never had a climax – no amount of sex therapy or practical advice seemed to rectify the problem.

Though stimulation of the clitoris is central to most women’s experience of orgasm, I know those for whom a large element of fantasy is key. For some, it may be attainable only in certain positions, such as on top, where the woman controls the pace.

It’s not unusual for a woman to experience problems reaching a climax. Your girlfriend’s difficulties admittedly sounds more entrenched than most, but that’s surely because she’s tried to conceal the problem, rather than talking to you or a qualified
sex therapist.

I’d recommend that she seeks professional advice on the matter -try the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy website, basrt.org.uk

The very fact, however, that she has experienced an orgasm during sex – albeit only once some years ago – gives grounds for optimism.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your partner had a mental block caused by excessive anxiety over the issue.

This kind of anorgasmia can happen to anyone. A raunchy friend recently started a
relationship with a lovely, sexy man who was so mustard keen to make her come the first few times they slept together that she said she seized up for the first time in her life.

She told me: ‘I could see it was a big deal for him, which made it a huge stress for me. The more stressed I became, the more difficult it was to come.’

If you and your girlfriend could only remove the terrible libido-throttling performance anxiety from your lovemaking, there’s a good chance that she’ll feel relaxed enough to let go, and that you won’t mind if she reaches an erotic plateau instead.

It’s entirely possible she derives quite enough pleasure and satisfaction from sex with the man she loves (yes, you) without needing to orgasm.

As the Taoist proverb says: The journey is the reward.

Study says scientists can predict vaginal orgasms by watching you walk.

sexy-walk-240Remember that junior high rumor that guys could tell if you were a virgin by the way you walked? Well it’s true! Sort of.

A new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine claims that trained sexologists can tell if a woman has vaginal orgasms—that is, a gal who can come by intercourse not accompanied by clit stimulation—by the way she walks.

Researchers in Belgium observed women walking on the street, half of whom were vaginally orgasmic and half of whom weren’t, and the two sex scientists guessed correctly over 80% of the time. The study abstract says that, “the discerning observer may infer women’s experience of vaginal orgasm from a gait that comprises fluidity, energy, sensuality, freedom, and absence of both flaccid and locked muscles.” We’re guessing that Joan Holloway has some pretty awesome vaginal climaxes.

The study sample was small, only 16 women, but it’s still an interesting finding with implications about how doctors might treat anorgasmic women. Science Daily says that the finding helps prove that movement therapy, breathing techniques and training in muscle patterns could help women who can’t come.


Your Guide to the Sexual Response Cycle

The sexual response cycle refers to the sequence of physical and emotional changes that occur as a person becomes sexually aroused and participates in sexually stimulating activities, including intercourse and masturbation. Knowing how your body responds during each phase of the cycle can enhance your relationship and help you pinpoint the cause of any sexual problems.

What Are the Phases of the Sexual Response Cycle?

Sexual Response Cycle


The sexual response cycle has four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Both men and women experience these phases, although the timing usually is different. For example, it is unlikely that both partners will reach orgasm at the same time. In addition, the intensity of the response and the time spent in each phase varies from person to person. Understanding these differences may help partners better understand one another’s bodies and responses, and enhance the sexual experience.

Phase 1: Excitement

General characteristics of the excitement phase, which can last from a few minutes to several hours, include the following:

  • Muscle tension increases.
  • Heart rate quickens and breathing is accelerated.
  • Skin may become flushed (blotches of redness appear on the chest and back).
  • Nipples become hardened or erect.
  • Blood flow to the genitals increases, resulting in swelling of the woman’s clitoris and labia minora (inner lips), and erection of the man’s penis.
  • Vaginal lubrication begins.
  • The woman’s breasts become fuller and the vaginal walls begin to swell.
  • The man’s testicles swell, his scrotum tightens, and he begins secreting a lubricating liquid.

Phase 2: Plateau

General characteristics of the plateau phase, which extends to the brink of orgasm, include the following:

  • The changes begun in phase 1 are intensified.
  • The vagina continues to swell from increased blood flow, and the vaginal walls turn a dark purple.
  • The woman’s clitoris becomes highly sensitive (may even be painful to touch) and retracts under the clitoral hood to avoid direct stimulation from the penis.
  • The man’s testicles are withdrawn up into the scrotum.
  • Breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure continue to increase.
  • Muscle spasms may begin in the feet, face, and hands.
  • Muscle tension increases.

Phase 3: Orgasm

The orgasm is the climax of the sexual response cycle. It is the shortest of the phases and generally lasts only a few seconds. General characteristics of this phase include the following:

  • Involuntary muscle contractions begin.
  • Blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing are at their highest rates, with a rapid intake of oxygen.
  • Muscles in the feet spasm.
  • There is a sudden, forceful release of sexual tension.
  • In women, the muscles of the vagina contract. The uterus also undergoes rhythmic contractions.
  • In men, rhythmic contractions of the muscles at the base of the penis result in the ejaculation of semen.
  • A rash, or “sex flush” may appear over the entire body.

Phase 4: Resolution

During resolution, the body slowly returns to its normal level of functioning, and swelled and erect body parts return to their previous size and color. This phase is marked by a general sense of well-being, enhanced intimacy and, often, fatigue. Some women are capable of a rapid return to the orgasm phase with further sexual stimulation and may experience multiple orgasms. Men need recovery time after orgasm, called a refractory period, during which they cannot reach orgasm again. The duration of the refractory period varies among men and usually lengthens with advancing age.

Source: WebMD

Facts About Orgasm

Orgasm Facts

Everyone can orgasm, but not everyone does. Coming’ isn’t all that easy – if you’re a woman! Nearly all MEN can climax without difficulty, but women just aren’t built that way. For a man sexual intercourse alone, that is, penetration of a woman’s vagina by a man’s penis may be sufficient to climax. But it very often is not enough to make a woman reach orgasm.

What is it?

Orgasm is the pinnacle of sexual passion. It is the moment of intense pleasure, which results into feeling relaxed and at ease. The female orgasm lasts a few seconds, followed by a feeling of relaxation and pleasure. Continued stimulation may also result in further orgasms, which though is difficult for females of certain age group.

Types of orgasm

Basically there are two types of orgasms that women experience, based on the two different zones of stimulation. The first is a clitoral orgasm, wherein the clitoris is stimulated by lightly touch or stroking it. The second type of orgasm is a vaginal orgasm. This comes from pressure being applied to the “G” spot, usually by the tip of the man’s penis. The “G” spot is located on the anterior wall of the vagina, about 2 inches from the opening. Both these experiences are different and women who have experienced both types of orgasms know the difference. However the fact is very few women reach orgasm solely as a result of the penis penetrating the vagina; it’s more likely to happen through stimulation (touching/rubbing/kissing) of the clitoris – the highly sensitive bump located at the top of the vaginal lips.

Following positions are helpful to reach climax by stimulating the “G” spot:

1. Woman on top of man

2. Woman lying on her stomach, with man on top, entering her vagina from behind.

Factor responsible for orgasm

1. Sexual frequency. In order to reach climax it is important that you have regular sex. The more time that passes between sexual encounters, the harder it is for a woman to become aroused, and less likely to have an orgasm.

2. Another important thing is you should be relaxed and tension free. For a woman to get the most out of the sexual encounter, she must be comfortable with the surroundings and also with the relationship. Thus orgasm is impossible in a situation where there is tension, or lack of trust in the marriage.

3. Also what is important is a understanding and caring partner who know how to stimulate and arouse you and who helps you reach climax.

How can men help?

Remember one thing that to reach orgasm it is very important that your man co-operates with you and understands you and your body. Therefore don’t feel shy to tell him how to make love to you and what arouses you and touching, kissing, stroking which part of your body will make you climax. Therefore next time you make love guide him to help you reach orgasm. However following are the things men need to know.

  •  Tell her that she’s marvellous, sexy and beautiful.
  •  Remember that most women need stimulation of the clitoris.  Touching/kissing/stroking will help reach orgasm.
  •  Give her oral sex. Most women adore this and some claim that they cannot  come unless a man ‘goes down’ on them.
  •  Caress her breasts or her sensitive spots. A few women climax through  breast fondling alone or simply by stroking their sensitive spots.
  •  Don’t be too proud to ask her to show you what she wants.
  •  If you come before her, don’t stop there but try to help her climax too by  kissing and stimulating her.
  •  Remember to provide an atmosphere of love, romance, security and  compassion.

What can you do to help yourself ?

A woman who experiences no or few orgasms can learn to bring herself to climax, over time with little patience and self-stimulation. Patience is needed because it will take time to learn the spots, the touches, feelings and thoughts that will arouse you and continue to arouse you to the point of climax. At first the techniques can be practiced alone, but then with your partner since he too has to be taught how to make love to you.

  • When alone explore your body – touch and stoke yourself in the way you would like to be caressed by your lover – learn and enjoy those things that really stimulate you.

  • Once you know what stimulates you and helps you reach climax share these experiences with your partner; guide him around those parts of your body that aroused you when you stimulated them – let him find other ways to arouse you too.

  • Let your partner stimulate your clitoris during foreplay, when you find yourself on the brink of orgasm after your partner has touched and caressed your clitoris, move straight on to intercourse, with you or your partner continuing to stimulate your clitoris.

Source: seasonindia.com

Kenapa Sukar Orgasme?

Mengapa sukar orgasme merupakan satu perkara yang sering diperkatakan apabila kita membicarakan tentang seks. Namun berapa ramai antara kita yang benar-benar dapat mengakui bahawa mereka sering dapat mencapai orgasme apabila berhubungan intim. Bukan itu sahaja, apakah kita benar-benar faham apakah yang dimaksudkan dengan orgasme itu sendiri?

Sebab itu, perkara pertama yang perlu anda ketahui ialah apakah yang anda harapkan dan bayangkan mengenai seks. Apabila yang dicari adalah kepuasan dan kenikmatan, maka itu dapatlah diertikan sebagai orgasme.

Ejakulasi pada wanita merupakan satu fenomena yang tidak semestinya terjadi pada semua wanita. Sebenarnya maksud ejakulasi bagi wanita itu sendiri masih belum jelas. Sebab itu janganlah anda menganggap bahawa ejakulasi sebagai tanda khas orgasme bagi wanita se-bagaimana lelaki.

Orgasme bagi wanita adalah kepuasan dan kenikmatan yang timbul ketika berhubungan intim, sebagai puncak atau fasa ketiga daripada tindak balas seksual di mana terjadi kontraksi otot-otot sekitar vagina dan pelvik yang kemudiannya tersebar ke seluruh tubuh.

Respon seksual seseorang biasanya mencakupi empat fasa. Pertama, fasa perangsangan, kedua adalah fasa ‘plateaui (peningkatan rangsangan) yang diikuti dengan fasa ketiga, iaitu orgasme. Fasa keempat pula ialah resolusi di mana tubuh memerlukan masa untuk kembali pada keadaan normal.

Dalam mencapai orgasme, rangsangan fizikal yang diikuti dengan aspek ‘psikiki atau kejiwaan adalah sangat penting. Seks tidak akan dapat memberikan kenikmatan dan kepuasan jika hanya melibatkan aspek fizikal semata-mata.

Orgasme bermakna tercapainya fasa ketiga daripada tindak balas seksual seorang wanita. Pencapaian orgasme adalah amat bergantung pada perasaan anda dan perasaan pasangan anda ketika itu. Contohnya, apabila anda tidak mahu melakukan hubungan intim tetapi terpaksa berbuat demikian, tentu sahaja kepuasan dan kenikmatan itu sukar dicapai.

Secara amnya, orgasme dapat dicapai oleh semua wanita. Namun hakikatnya, ada yang mudah mendapatnya, ada yang agak sukar, dan tidak mustahil ada yang belum pernah merasakannya. Wanita yang sulit atau belum pernah mengalami orgasme tidak boleh dikatakan sebagai wanita yang abnormal.

Kesulitan mencapai orgasme mungkin disebabkan oleh beberapa perkara seperti adanya konflik mental, lesbian, atau pandangan-pandangan tertentu. Sesetengah orang berpendapat bahawa seks bagi wanita hanya berfungsi sebagai reproduksi, atau menganggap orgasme bagi wanita bukanlah satu perkara yang penting.

Seolah-olah orgasme itu hanya milik orang lelaki. Mereka yang berfikiran seperti ini biasanya sukar mencapai orgasme. Rangsangan (foreplay) juga berperanan dalam mencipta orgasme. Beberapa orang pakar dalam bidang seksual berpendapat bahawa 92 peratus wanita akan mencapai orgasme apabila rangsangan berlangsung selama 21 minit atau ebih. Perkataan lain yang menentukan terjadinya orgasme adalah berapa lama hubungan intim berlansung. Apabila hubungan intim berjalan terlalu singkat, maka kesempatan untuk terjadinya orgasme turut berkurangan. Wanita memang perlu ‘belajari untuk memperoleh orgasme. Ada wanita yang dapat mencapai orgasme melalui rangsangan vagina, ada yang melalui rangsangan klitoris, atau ada juga melalui khayalan.

Sebab itu wanita perlu terlebih dahulu belajar untuk mengenali dirinya sendiri dan tindak balas- tindak balas seksualnya. Jangan tergesa-gesa kerana proses belajar memang memerlukan masa dan kesempatan yang secukupnya.

Pada zaman dahulu banyak yang beranggapan bahawa orgasme pada wanita hanya dapat dicapai melalui hubungan seksual (vagina). Mereka yang tidak dapat mencapai orgasme melalui hubungan seksual dianggap abnormal. Namun kini setelah pelbagai kajian dilakukan, didapati bahawa orgasme juga dapat dicapai melalui rangsangan klitoris dan juga satu titik (tidak semestinya dimiliki oleh semua wanita) yang dinamakan G-spot. Orgasme akan dapat dipertingkatkan dengan melakukan rangsangan pada titik ini. Jika suami anda berperilaku normal dalam hal-hal seks, anda patut bersyukur tentang ini. Namun perilaku normal bukan bererti telah cukup pengetahuan untuk membawa anda menikmati kepuasan seks. Selain mempelajari tindak balas seksual anda sendiri, anda juga sepatutnya mengajak suami untuk mempelajari tindak balas seks dirinya dan juga anda. Dengan itu anda berdua dapat menggunakannya untuk mencapai kepuasan bersama.

Dengan pengetahuan yang ada, anda hanya perlu bersabar sambil terus mencuba. Cubalah mengamalkan sikap yang lebih tenang tanpa memaksa diri mencapai kenikmatan dan kepuasan yang disebut sebagai orgasme. Orgasme akan datang apabila anda ‘membawa’ seluruh fikiran dan aspek lairiah anda ke dalam hubungan seksual. Jika tetap tidak berjaya cuba dapatkan nasihat psikiatri kerana tidak mustahil anda menderita apa yang dinamakan sebagai anorgasmi, iaitu tidak dapat mencapai orgasme kerana pelbagai halangan, terutama adanya fikiran serta pengalaman lalu yang mengganggu.